🚩 The Bayside "Don’t Be A dick" Code

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 If you are playing with a new member or someone you don’t know, SHUT YOUR TRAP while they are over the ball. It’s called manners—look it up. If you start flapping your gums while a guest is trying to hit, you’re officially a disgrace to this league.

• The Caveat: If you’re playing with your regular degenerate crew, talk all you want. We are trying to build mentally tough guys here, not fragile little babies. If you can’t hit a ball while your buddies are chirping, maybe take up knitting.

 You are not a professional ball hunter. If your ball is in the tall grass, you have 180 seconds to find it. If you haven’t found it, it’s lost.

• The "Fairway Fraud" Special: If you go hunting for your ball, find one, and immediately "discover" it just happens to be a perfect Pro V1 despite you slicing your drive into the parking lot of the neighboring fairway—don't. If you think you're fooling us, you're not. If you get caught pretending you found your ball when it clearly came from the other fairway, you’re not just a cheater; you’re a pathetic one. Take the penalty or go home.

 If you ask "Is that good?" one more time, I am going to make you putt from 4 inches away for the rest of your natural life. Especially if it’s for bogey. You don't get a gimmie; you get to prove you can hit a ball into a hole. 

•  The Turn: You have 10 minutes for a drink and a bathroom break. If you’re in the clubhouse ordering a steak, you’re dead to me.
• Read the line while others are hitting. Stop waiting until it's your turn to start your pre-shot routine of adjusting your glove, checking the wind, and praying to the golf gods. You’re not that good.

Listen closely: You are not a professional golfer. You are an amateur hack with a bad slice and an inflated ego. You aren't here to "kick the shit" out of your partners or treat this like it's the final round of the Masters. You’re here to enjoy the day, lose some money, and hopefully learn how to hit the fairway once in a while. Drop the attitude and play the game. 

 If you spend four hours acting like a brooding, silent teenager because you’re having a bad day or you don't like your group, stay on the practice range. Say hello, introduce yourself, and act like a functioning adult. You might actually enjoy yourself if you stop acting like the world revolves around your shitty scorecard.